I was inspired to write this by Casdok's comment on my previous post 'What's adult conversation like?' Sadly, I no longer feel qualified to answer this question in any depth. I do however, have a Masters Degree (With Honours) in 'Mother Speak', so I thought I would share with you some gems which have served me well over the years. (It would seem that I utter these phrases with alarming regularity, given the speed at which this lot were able to recall them when asked).
First up is the good old 'Because I said so'. Useful on a variety of occasions and especially good when you are fed up with the conversation and want to kill it stone dead.
'I'm the mother, you're the child' is a variation on the same theme.
'Just eat it'. Bring this one into play if anyone is looking suspiciously at a plate of something you've spent all afternoon cooking. Also can be said quietly through gritted teeth if you're eating at the home of a friend and a cursory glance around tells you that one of them is about to drop you in it.
'You'll have someone's eye out with that' For use with any sharp implement, sticks of more than average length, darts, catapults etc. (Yes, I know they're all girls. Please refer to previous posts).
'Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been'. Covers anything but food, really. I suspect that if I gave examples of when this has been used round here, you wouldn't believe me anyway.
'I hope when you grow up you have a load of kids just like you'. I was never more serious about anything in my whole life.
'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' For those whining moments.
'Well, you must get it from your father...you don't get it from me'. Can be generally applied to all types of unwanted behaviour, juvenile delinquency, poor character traits, that sort of thing.
'If you can't say anything nice to each other, don't say anything at all'. Exceptionally useful when you want a prolonged period of absolute silence.
'It's like talking to myself, talking to you lot' Personally, I wouldn't recommend this one. I've always found it to have little or no effect.
'For God's sake, TURN IT DOWN' Self-explanatory.
'What's that smell of burning?' I have been known to actually sprint down the road and shout this one on entry to the house.
'Over my dead body' Can be liberally applied in the region of too short skirts, too much make-up or any item of clothing which looks as though it has been rescued from the bin.
'Right. That's me finished. I'm leaving'. Some years ago, if I combined this one with the act of putting my coat on and opening the front door, its effects were astounding. Nowadays, nobody actually looks up from what they are doing.
'Sweet Jesus, give me strength' Still the Big One. When they hear this one, they know to run!
Dear God, I've just re-read this and I think there is a very strong possibility that I have actually turned into my mother. Either that, or, when the midwife hands you the first baby, some sort of osmosis takes place and these phrases are organically diffused into your bloodstream, to be used at regular intervals and with varying degrees of intensity for the rest of your natural life.
Anything to add to the list?
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