Sunday, 8 February 2009

How Do You Measure Up?

Now, bearing in mind that I'm talking about furniture here, if a man says to you:

'Have you measured it? Will it fit?'

Do you assume he means:

a) have you gone and stood in the place where the piece of furniture is to go, got a tape measure out and measured the space


b) have you worked out some form of simultaneous or quadratic equation involving length, breadth and height, applied Pythagorus' theorem, thrown in a few logarithms, multiplied the whole lot by 3.142 and taken away the number you first thought of?

I thought so.

Let me explain.

A week ago, I was strolling through the antique market when I spied the perfect chest of drawers for my bedroom. I should point out here that my bedroom is in the loft, reached by the continuation of the main staircase onto the top floor. Admittedly, there is a slight turn in the staircase, but as I don't buy bedroom furniture very often, I don't usually think about it.

Anyway, my beautiful chest of drawers was duly delivered and was left in the hall, where it stood waiting patiently for the Father of This Lot to arrive, take one look at it and announce:

'That won't fit in the loft'

I ignored his comment, mainly due to the fact that I had measured said chest of drawers, stood in the loft and measured the space. There was acres of room.

Anyway, yesterday, The Fixer and I found ourselves at a loose end and decided that we would 'do it ourselves'. We took all the drawers out, lifted the frame onto the loft stairs....and got stuck.

There were various shouts of

'Back a bit'


'To me, to me'

and more than once

'Ow, mum, geddit off me foot'

before we finally admitted defeat.

Unfazed by this, I said:

'Never mind kiddo. Your father will do it tomorrow. He is fantastic at getting things round corners'.

Because he is.


So when he arrived today, he was despatched to the landing to move the drawers. He said:

'I knew when I first saw that thing that it wouldn't go in the loft. But...just to keep you happy....'

It wouldn't go in the loft. He started going on about angles and other boring stuff, and I may have been heard to mutter something along the lines of:

'If the landlady at the Mare and Foal asked you I bet you'd get it in the loft'

To which he replied:

'If the Angel Gabriel came down and asked me, I couldn't get that thing in the loft. The only way that will go up there is if you cut it in half'.

The Fixer and I looked at each other. Without a word, she knew I was giving her the nod to go and get her father's chainsaw from the garage. Sadly the Father of This Lot knows us only too well and said:

'Don't even think about it. And don't ask me if I know anyone who can take the bannister out either, 'cos it'll cost about three hundred quid to put back'.

Damn. That was going to be my next question.

So, I had to admit defeat. Can you imagine my distress?

Obviously, it couldn't stay on the landing, so I had to put my beautiful chest of drawers in.....The Singer's bedroom, a nightmare of a place if ever you saw one, where it now rests, surrounded by David Tennant posters and housing a purple portable television on its beautifully polished top.

I could spit.

If I weren't a finds-joy-in-all-circumstances, unselfish, generous-to-a-fault-with-my-furniture Catholic mother, that is.


Katney said...

Glad to have you back and may I ask--did you try it sideways?

Rose said...

So sorry; check Yarn Harlot, she's good at cramming furniture in.

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Glad to have you back, as well. You have a way with the stories, for certain!

Maggie May said...

How I feel for you as I also have an attic with a sort of spiral staircase and I have been had this way myself.
Pity you couldn't take it apart & reassemble in the attic, some how or other.
Some of the furniture we have in our attic, was dismantled & reassembled by my son and now he has left, we would be hard pushed to get it down if we had to move. (Which would be out of the question right now anyway.)

Kitty said...

Well that's just pants isn't it? Someone must have shrunk the stairway when you were out. Surely that's the only explanation? I hope The Singer will love and cherish those drawers.

I think you need to treat yourself to some serious retail therapy to compensate for the disappointment: a new laptop? ;-)


gigi said...

That is just one of the saddest stories I've heard in a long time. I am so sorry. Change rooms with her and get that beautiful chest away from those posters. Try and have a good week.

CrazyCath said...

Oh no that is SO annoying! But really, you meant it to be for her room and you are looking for something even better for your room aren't you? And checking that it fits...

I think I would have made the same mistake and forgotten to check the width and turn of the stairs!

Great to have you back.

Daryl said...

I am sure you did try is sideways AND tilted over the bannister which is how my friends got their sofa up around a bend in the staircase ... did you see that episode of Friends .. same thing ...

And thank you for the b'day wishes .. did you get the link to the Swap?

I wish you had email .. gggrrr

Amrita said...

Could you try the window ???

Want to look at the famous thing now. Can we have a photo?

Suburbia said...

Doesn't that just annoy you so much when they're right?!!!

Akelamalu said...

Mmmmm apparently us ladies are not good with spatial awareness. I'd have chopped it in half just to spite him! :)

Working mum said...

Well, I am a mathematician, I did do all that maths stuff when I bought my new sofas. Then, when they arrived I was taken aback by how they 'filled the room'. Must be a woman thing!

ExpatKat said...

We had to winch our mattress up from outside once and bring it in through the window because the stairs were too narrow. The loft's a long way up though - bit risky.

sumana said...

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Dusty Spider said...

Oh my, that made me laugh! Only cos I've been there and done that but you wrote it beautifully!xx
ps There's an award for you over at my place. xx

Mean Mom said...

The simplest solution would be to get a bigger house.

Renae said...


Is there a way you can save up and have the banister removed and replaced?

Maybe you could ask for that for Valentine's Day.

Ladybird World Mother said...

oh my goodness this is Bad..! I should live near you because this is the sort of problem I love to solve... that is so bloomin' annoying that you cant fit it up there.... sledgehammer??