Contrary to popular belief, I have NOT been in Monte Carlo with the Football Fanatic, Jack, any combination of the two, nor anyone else.
I did however, spend a week awaiting delivery of a connecting wire necessary to get back online after our internet connection took a decidedly deadly turn.
When it arrived, I followed all the instructions, plugged everything in and....nothing. Unfortunately, my technical assistant, The Fixer, was spending two days at her friend's house, and so was unavailable for comment, assistance, or anything else of any use whatsoever.
On her arrival home, she checked what I had done, gave me a withering look, undid all the connections I had made in an attempt to get the thing to work two floors up from the main plug, re-plugged everything back in to different connections and...voila (as they say in Monte Carlo).
Please don't think I have been bored whilst I have been away. Let's see what's been happening:
1. The Father of This Lot invited me out for the evening and proceeded to ply me with copious amounts of alcohol. This led to some rather interesting developments:
a) I will never touch another drop of the stuff as long as I live. In fact, if I could find somewhere I could take the Temperance pledge, I would do so immediately
b) The Father of This Lot had a fight with the taxi driver who brought us home (Nothing new there, then)
and c) He has been here night and day ever since.
Please don't ask, as I am sure you do not want me to re-live the embarrassment of recalling my public renditions of Connie Francis' "Who's Sorry Now?" or Dean Martin's "My Rifle, My Pony and Me".
2. Jack has had an operation to remove a piece of shrapnel from his knee sustained in a bomb blast whilst he was serving with the Marines in Afghanistan.
If anyone feels that they are falling a little bit in love with Jack at this point, please form an orderly queue.
Jack's parents live abroad. In order not to worry her, he did not tell his mother about the operation. I made it known that I did not think this was a very good idea.
Today, Jack's mother found out about the operation and is currently on a plane on her way to Britain. Although Jack has been in extreme pain for the last week, he feels that it is probably nothing compared to what he's going to feel when his mother lands on his doorstep.
3. My own mother went for an eye test and was referred immediately to an emergency eye clinic, where she was given an appointment to see a retinal specialist tomorrow. As I type, my mother has torn the appointment card into shreds and is adamant that she will not attend.....