Saturday, 9 February 2008

What would your Mother say?

I was inspired to write this by Casdok's comment on my previous post 'What's adult conversation like?' Sadly, I no longer feel qualified to answer this question in any depth. I do however, have a Masters Degree (With Honours) in 'Mother Speak', so I thought I would share with you some gems which have served me well over the years. (It would seem that I utter these phrases with alarming regularity, given the speed at which this lot were able to recall them when asked).

First up is the good old 'Because I said so'. Useful on a variety of occasions and especially good when you are fed up with the conversation and want to kill it stone dead.
'I'm the mother, you're the child' is a variation on the same theme.

'Just eat it'. Bring this one into play if anyone is looking suspiciously at a plate of something you've spent all afternoon cooking. Also can be said quietly through gritted teeth if you're eating at the home of a friend and a cursory glance around tells you that one of them is about to drop you in it.

'You'll have someone's eye out with that' For use with any sharp implement, sticks of more than average length, darts, catapults etc. (Yes, I know they're all girls. Please refer to previous posts).

'Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been'. Covers anything but food, really. I suspect that if I gave examples of when this has been used round here, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

'I hope when you grow up you have a load of kids just like you'. I was never more serious about anything in my whole life.

'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' For those whining moments.

'Well, you must get it from your don't get it from me'. Can be generally applied to all types of unwanted behaviour, juvenile delinquency, poor character traits, that sort of thing.

'If you can't say anything nice to each other, don't say anything at all'. Exceptionally useful when you want a prolonged period of absolute silence.

'It's like talking to myself, talking to you lot' Personally, I wouldn't recommend this one. I've always found it to have little or no effect.

'For God's sake, TURN IT DOWN' Self-explanatory.

'What's that smell of burning?' I have been known to actually sprint down the road and shout this one on entry to the house.

'Over my dead body' Can be liberally applied in the region of too short skirts, too much make-up or any item of clothing which looks as though it has been rescued from the bin.

'Right. That's me finished. I'm leaving'. Some years ago, if I combined this one with the act of putting my coat on and opening the front door, its effects were astounding. Nowadays, nobody actually looks up from what they are doing.

'Sweet Jesus, give me strength' Still the Big One. When they hear this one, they know to run!

Dear God, I've just re-read this and I think there is a very strong possibility that I have actually turned into my mother. Either that, or, when the midwife hands you the first baby, some sort of osmosis takes place and these phrases are organically diffused into your bloodstream, to be used at regular intervals and with varying degrees of intensity for the rest of your natural life.

Anything to add to the list?


Casdok said...

Glad to have inspired you!
As i was reading these it brought back memories of my mother!!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Moohoohahah! I have also turned into my mother, but she's amazing, so I don't think it's too bad! And, so far, I've only done the "I'm leaving without you," the "don't put that in your mouth," & the "I'm going to give you something to cry about."

Jennie said...

Yes I have said pretty much every one of those! It's frightening.

GoneBackSouth said...

Oh yes, I say many of those. And what about, "right, if you're not up those stairs by the time I count to 3, there'll be no story". Or "WILL you PUT your SHOES on?!"

mountainear said...

I can hear the ghost of me saying most of those - as well as 'Bring your washing down'and 'Put it in the dishwasher.'

And with sons aged 30, 28 and 26 I still say, as they leave after a visit: 'Have you got everything?'And know I will find a balled up sock under the bed or on top of the wardrobe. Honest.

Journey of Truth said...

Growing up, we'd ask the folks from the back seat of the car, "Where are we going?" And, they would quip from the front seat, "Crazy. Wanna join us?"

That drove us bananas! Now, I'm saying it to mine!!

Angela M. said...

LOL! Have said most of those and more. Here's one to add:

(while driving and kids are fighting in car..."IF YOU DON'T STOP FIGHTING NOW I AM GOING TO STOP THE CAR AND LEAVE YOU HERE!"

(my youngest actually got out of the car once to call my bluff!!!)

david mcmahon said...

1. Because it's good for you.

2. Where's your sense of responsibility?

3. Can you turn that music down.

4. How could you misunderstand such a simple imstruction.

By the way, I really enjoyed your comment on my ``orange yeti'' post!!

Have a great weekend


Mrs. Fox said...

Those are great! My mother regularly threatened to sell my sister and me to the gypsies.

My personal favorite exclamation is "Sister Mary Frances!" but I stole it from the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Laura said...

Oh, the things that come out of our mouths...I, too, find that I am turning into my mother...VERY scary.

qualcosa di bello said...

i see you have become my mother too! as have i. & yes, i could add a few that rank in casa piacere...things like...

"why is it so quiet in there?" really i never want to know the answer to that one.

or..."i don't want to hear about it unless someone is needs stitches or is unconscious."

& the ever popular (esp. with lent)..."quit your whining & offer it up for the poor souls in purgatory."

Wifey said...

I say most of those, at least on a weekly basis. One of my sayings is "I actually WANT you to DO what I'm TELLING you to DO."

Maggie May said...

I hear my self saying all of these things! Just like my mother too! Scary!

Amrita said...

Brilliant, and I 'm laughing too.

The Sweet jesus one is really good.

Jeni said...

I've used those expressions, along with several other that my kids would say are favorites of mine -"people in hell want ice water too" -"There's a big difference between I want and I need." "Straighten up and fly right!" and probably my favorite, next to the people who want ice water is "SIT up, SHUT up and EAT!"
Yeah, I first noticed I was becoming my Mother when I caught myself telling oldest child -30 some odd years ago to please not run around in her stocking feet as I had a hard enough time getting those darned socks to come clean! Great post! By the way -David sent me and as usual, I'm really glad he did!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

No, nothing to add. You've done an admirable job of speaking for me.

Do you suppose we really all say the same things??

Liz said...

This just made me laugh out loud. I used to hear that 'I'm the mother, you're the child' all the time. I also got the 'if you dont pick up these shoes you're going to be wearing them as a hat' line as well. Good memories. :)

lady thinker said...

Ahhh mothers' sayings, bless them.
my mother was a very feisty but genteel lady - she died 1960. Whenever I or my siblings lost something and started to whine 'where is it'- we knew she had reached the end of her tether when she said through gritted teeth "I don't know - unless it's up my bum".
With hindsight I assume she was telling us that we were being a right pain in the a*s*! ;-)

Pig in the Kitchen said...

I can only think of one (you've used all of mine),
Can you hear me when I talk like this? (reasonable tone, sensible volume) Answer: Yes, Then why are you shouting at me?